When I was in college, I remember my professors and mentor teachers always saying "do not be your students' friend. They don't need another friend, they need a teacher." This stuck out to me, and while I never started by telling students that I was not their friend, it would be mentioned if it was brought up. Every time I saw hurt and a lack of understanding from my students. I would tell them what was told to me; about how they don't want to be my friend because friendship goes two ways, how that doesn't mean that I don't love them, and how they want me to be their teacher. But, every time, it got interpreted the same way, "I don't love you." So, I've stopped saying it.
The last thing I would ever want in my classroom is for students to feel unsafe. That's why I pushed the "not your friend" narrative. I wanted them to know that my classroom was a classroom of structure, that I was a kind authority figure, and that they would not need to worry about chaos when they came to my room. I've come to realize that telling students that I am not their friend doesn't make them feel safe, it just makes them feel unloved. That led me to think about what my fellow teachers had been telling me, and what was the spirit of what they were telling me.
Ultimately, what they were telling me was act my age, act like an authority figure, and maintain control of your classroom. What it means to not be a student's friend is not act like them. You don't pretend to be one of their peers, you maintain clear boundaries, discipline when needed, and assure them that you are in charge. You are not their peer, you are not their parent, you are their teacher. A teacher is an important, but not close, adult figure in a child's life.
And, I believe that I am a teacher. My boundaries could afford to be a little clearer, but my students know that I am in charge and, in fact, will do what I say because we have a good, positive relationship. They listen to me, and do not question my authority of the classroom. I am clear about my expectations and I follow through on what I say I will do. I use both positive and negative classroom consequences in my classroom. My classroom management isn't perfect, but I constantly strive on perfecting it, and it has gotten pretty good. I am my student's teacher . . . and I am also my student's friend.
Earlier in this post, I wrote about how my fellow teachers understood friendship between teachers and students, but my eyes have been opened to how students see it. When students want you to be their friend what they really want is love, understanding, and kindness. They want to know that you will be there for them, they want to know that you will love them unconditionally, they want to know that they are wanted in your classroom. They aren't asking you to be their peer when they want you to be their friend, they want you to know that they love you and want to know if you love them back. They want to know if they can talk to you and confide in you. They don't see the "just teacher and student" relationship as very loving. They see it as distant and cold.
So, while I am my student's teacher, while I maintain boundaries, and am an authority figure in my classroom, as I mentioned, I am also my student's friend (as they understand friendship.) I am not their peer, but I am their friend. I show them unconditional love, they know if they get in trouble in my classroom that does not mean that I don't love them. I show them kindness, when the world will belittle them I try to raise them up. I show them who I am, and that allows them to feel safe to show who they are.
I believe it to be possible to both be your student's teacher and your student's friend. I think maintaining a safe environment while being both is a tricky situation, and requires a lot of work, but I think it can be done. That is why in my teacher mission statement written this morning I included a part about being a friend:
"In my classroom, students will always feel safe, loved, and wanted. I vow that I will make my lessons understandable, always show patience, and do my best to understand the students. I will use my spiritual gifts to see the best in the students God allows me to work with. I vow that I will not speak about students outside of their classroom, and encourage other teachers to do the same. I will be an advocate, a protector, and a friend to those put under my charge. I will spread positivity in the school that I work in"
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